I love jumpsuits! Onesies! Rompers! Anything I can just put on and look cute but feel like I’m wearing the pajamas with the feet on them. (random: I hated those pajamas! So hot! Hot feet are not my jam.) But, jumpsuits are the devil!
In the last few years, a lot of the plus-size fashion houses have started putting out versions of the aforementioned jumpsuit/onesie/ romper. I am so here for it! So many options! I order them all the time because I want them to work for me too! The models always look perfect in them, which is mainly because they aren’t actually plus-sized but that’s another post for another day.
THE DREAM
I expect these fabulous items to come and fit like a glove and look as cute as they looked online on the model or even an influencer I saw wearing them. Who doesn’t want to stand in a jumpsuit with my hands in my pocket looking like a million bucks? I dream of the comfort of a snuggie while also being fashionable. I want to have to get bucket naked to go to the bathroom because of what I’m wearing!
THE REALITY
Jumpsuits are the devil. Yes, I said it. I have to face it. These jumpsuits, onesies, and rompers are not made for my body type. I’m an apple shape and these things just don’t work. Again, jumpsuits are the devil. Like I said I order them all the time and here’s what seems to happen:
- The crotch is too long. It looks like I’m wearing mc hammer pants.
- SWITCH! The crotch is too short. I have a permanent wedgie or my stomach is a camel toe. That’s not where it should be right?
- They have a side zipper. I can’t reach it!
- No stretch to get in and out of it.
- It’s too big so it looks like pajamas.
I CANNOT WIN! I think in my whole adult life, I’ve gotten 4 jumpsuits/onesies/rompers to work for me.
FOUR. Why only 4 you ask? Because jumpsuits are the devil!
THE NIGHTMARE
This past week, I played myself and ordered another jumpsuit. I’ve lost some weight maybe it will be better now. WRONG. Charlie Murphy style. WRONG. So I tried it on, it’s super cute so far, the crotch is right, it’s fitting right with one side up. I noticed as I was slithering into the other side that it was a little tough but doable. It buttons up and guess what? I have Camel toe stomach, this joint looks like a peach! Why do I keep acting like I don’t know this will be the outcome? I shed one single tear and go to take it off.
But do I? Y’all. I was stuck in the jumpsuit and this isn’t the first time either. That one side I slithered into? It’s now holding my arm and shoulder in a sling. I’m trying to wriggle and nothing is working. My arm is dead, I’m sure of it, and now I’m sweating. The tight ass camel toe stomach part feels like I’m going to split in half. I do not want to rip this because I want to return it. All I keep saying to myself is jumpsuits are the devil. Now what? It’s like 11 pm…I text my neighbor to see if she’s home. Not to borrow sugar or give her a package. Oh nooo. I text her to see if she can free me from this straight jacket jumpsuit I am in. Thankfully she’s home. I WADDLE over there for fear of the crotch splitting me in half. She gets me out with a lot of tugging and me almost dislocating my shoulder to accommodate. She offers me a glass of wine for surviving and we laugh our faces off! Thank God for Susan…she’s the MVP of the night.
THE MORAL
Just because it’s made in your size doesn’t mean it’s made for you. I’m officially giving up. I am not buying anymore. I don’t want to continue hurting myself by forcing myself into another jumpsuit. Jumpsuits are the devil. At least to me and my shape. If you are shaped like me…don’t do it, sis.
I can’t be the only person who feels like this. Tell me your experiences guys! Make me feel better about getting stuck in a jumpsuit more than once in my life.
Zing
So happy you were able to get free of the killer jumpsuit.
IamGenaP
Thank you thank you! I’m happy too! I thought I was going to have to give up my arm!